I want to write meaningful things. I found this website with daily 60-second writing prompts. I would love to get into doing that but I just don't feel like I can force myself to write. My words used to be so fluid but these days I just find myself stuck.. or pressured.. or nervous about time (that it takes) and worth (of what I produce).
Writing is so therapeutic.. it can be. I like to think that it helps me.. and I admit, I love looking back in time to my old writing. I even enjoy the hideous writings of my tom-boy, boy-crazy, teen-angsty, puberty-confused, misunderstood 14 year old self. I do.
I would love to start saving up my money for the day someone invents the brain-typewriter. Or the brain-computer.. where I can think of what I want and then choose to upload it onto a flash-drive.. or print it out onto a small strip of paper like a receipt. It sounds like I'm just being lazy.. and that's part of it, but my problem is really that I stop myself too often. I think my brain moves too fast and too unorganized for my hands to keep up. Damn.
I feel like I know how to make my life fulfilling, but it's hard when you still have to be responsible and so conscious of the things you "have" to get done.. and the things you don't want to do or even think about.
I've been doing some major soul searching in the past 2 days.. and I don't mean the magical, exciting kind where I strand myself in the woods with just a pen and paper for hours to pour out my raw emotions. I mean simply and boring-ly I've been thinking hardcore about what is going to make me happy in life. ..about what is going to help me grow and progress and "bloom" so to speak. Such a stereotypically stifling life has me by the throat and the heart right now.
I never thought I'd be the "9-5 type" and guess what, turns out I'm not really. It's do-able.. and I'm surely grateful to have income. It just really makes me step back and try to put things into perspective.
John says that we're going to live to be 100 years old. He thinks we'll be able to clone the parts of our body that fail in old age, by the time we get to old age, like in that movie The Island (Oh shit, you haven't seen it? My bad. Not missing much.)
I am 25 right now. I think it took quite a long time for me to get to this point (about 25 years I'd say). I cannot imagine living for an average of another 75 years doing what I am doing today. Or even 40 years, more realistically.
Really, we all hope to be a little further along and move up in our jobs.. but I just mean I can't do this 'wake up at 7:15, get to work at 8:30, work work work boring boring boring, lunch at 1pm, boring boring boring work work, leave at 5pm, go home, eat dinner, say hi to my cats, go to sleep, wake up at 7:15a.m. again' thing forever.
I know it sounds hopeless to complain about.. but I know there's more out there for myself. I know I'm going to find it. It's just this waiting period.. ugh.
I feel a little better after writing this. Still tense and stifled and worried.. but at least happy that something positive came of it here.
By the way, if you're interested
Listening to: Moving Mountains - 'Pneuma,' 'Foreword'